highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
