Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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