maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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