so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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