Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
