Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
