So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
