Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
