Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
