dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
