You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
