Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
