Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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