I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
