Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
