I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
