my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
