Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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