You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
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A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
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Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize