I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
you inspire me to be a worse person
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
