Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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