Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
