Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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