I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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