Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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