the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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