My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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