We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
