just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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