I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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