Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
