Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
