are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
