Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
