My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
