Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
In other news, I just burned my penis
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
