booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
