i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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