Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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