I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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