wakey wakey hands off snakey
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
i need some magic done to my vagina
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
