You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
