did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
