You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
