chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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