if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
