Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
