thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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