oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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