Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are