Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
