So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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