This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
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i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
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Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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