I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
