Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
