dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
