yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
