Just fell off a train. Bad.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
