Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
