I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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