haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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